Another Friday, another chance to expose myself. This week I’m going to tell you about some super embarrassing songs I used to think were the shit. I’m not going to pick songs that are obviously supposed to be ironic (i.e. “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO). I am only picking terrible songs I loved with complete sincerity. And so, in no particular order, here is my shame:
- “Tonight Tonight” by Hot Chelle Rae: Oof, starting it off with a doozy. This was my jam in 2011. I thought the Zach Galafianakis line was hilarious and clever. It was a classic 2011 party song: bubbly and completely non-threatening. And I hate 2011 me for blasting this piece of shit on repeat. I hope she dies.
- “Starstrukk” (feat. Katy Perry) by 3OH!3: Any song that starts with the line, “Nicelegs/Daisy dukes/Makes a man go/*wolf whistle*” should be burned at the stake. 3OH!3 was a blight on Western culture (with the ONE solitary exception of “Don’t Trust Me”). Katy Perry is… well, let’s just say I’m glad we’re all waking up to realize she was never actually that good. Forgetting this song even exists is a blessing I take for granted whenever I am in between moments of accidentally remembering it. There’s a reason they faded to obscurity and I hope no force on earth ever brings them back.
- “Bedrock” by Young Money: The anthem of the short-lived “hashtag rap” craze (a subgenre based around saying random things so they will become hashtags (i.e. “grocery bag”— that means nothing, but people sure hashtagged it!)) should have never existed. Young Money was the horrifying endeavor that forever saddled us with the likes of Drake and Nicki Minaj and cemented Lil Wayne’s presence as someone who somehow influences the direction of rap music. There were other people in this song, but they went nowhere and for good reason. And yet this song is always just there, in the back of my mind, lurking. Watching me. Waiting to catch me vulnerable so it can suddenly start playing on repeat and I can’t escape. The voices… of these hacks… they won’t stop taunting me! Why… why am I being put into a straitjacket? Never mind. It feels calming. All right. I submit.
- “Hotel Room” by Pitbull: Okay, I’m back from the asylum now. And next I’m going to talk about… oh no. Okay, so back in, like, 2010 I didn’t get why people hated Pitbull. I was a sensitive little white girl who didn’t know much about rap and he was a harmless rapper. I liked a few of his songs due to this, namely this one. Now, from my wise position in 2017, I get why people hated him. They were right to. He is just awful. And he won’t go away. Please Pitbull, just go away.
- “Raise Your Glass” by P!nk: P!nk is, by all rights, a very talented singer. She also has some great music. This is not that. This is nonsense. This is a mindless misfit anthem filled with empty platitudes. And also is has the line “too school for cool” which I thought was some master world play. Why did you think that, high school Rainey? And why in god’s name did you write it on the back of your hand? P!nk has never truly recovered from this (see: “Just Like Fire”) and I have never truly forgiven her. Also the Warblers covered it on Glee. The Warblers. Gross.
- “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction: I was never a Directioner. Granted, I was never the target audience, but I just didn’t submit to the hype. However, I have liked a couple songs of theirs over the years. This was one of them. Why? It’s generic bullshit. I was in a weird phase where self-love music was important to me and I considered this part of the trend. It’s really not though. The thing that makes her beautiful is her “humbleness.” If she knew she was beautiful, by the standards set forth in this song, she’d really be ugly because clearly she’s full of herself. (Or, you know, she just thinks she’s pretty.) Also, who the fucking hell smiles at the ground? What a dumbass line!
- “In My Head” by Jason Derulo: I’m not sure when I became anti-Jason Derulo, but it wasn’t during his debut era. I fucking loved this song. For some reason, I thought it was romantic. That he was the “nice guy” the girl should be with. But it is very much not. He just wants to bang her. And even then it’s not really about her. After all, he does say, “Get down to business/And skip foreplay.” No! The foreplay is very important! She absolutely will not orgasm if you skip foreplay! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, JASONJAMIN!
- “Whistle” by Flo Rida: Even when I liked this, I knew it was a clumsy metaphor and a pretty sleazy track. But it was so upbeat and fun! Flo Rida is the Pitbull of doing pretty much the same thing as Pitbull does. And they both need to get gone.
- “22” by Taylor Swift: I thought this song was cute and fun. And I guess, technically speaking, it still is. But it’s also just bad lyrically. Why did we, as a people, let this happen? Why did we allow Taylor to do this? Honestly, we are all culpable in the existence and success of this song. We should all be ashamed.
- “IGGY SZN” by Iggy Azalea: I’m guilty of having once been a fan and, truthfully, still find some of her singles to be guilty pleasures. But this song is just a brag track that came out after the public had already turned on her. Also, the way she says “bitch” in the chorus is really irritating. Actually, the whole song is annoying. And I think she kind of knows. And that’s why she keeps pushing back Digital Distortion. And no one cares. The end.
I went above and beyond for this Flashback Friday post. I shared double the amount I usually do. You should be grateful. Speaking of you, what are some cringy songs you used to love? Let me know in the comments!